To My Younger Self

To My Younger Self

So I turn 40 next year, this being the last of my birthday in the thirties. In a fitting farewell to what probably was the best decade of my life, I decided that in order to leave everything “unlady” like childish behavior here, I must fulfill every repressed feeling I have ever had.

Back in the day, we had no lavish birthday parties so forget having a cake smash. It would be a shock to our middle class mentality to waste a perfectly good cake – for pictures. But why carry the ghost of the past into the future eh? Why live with regret and later compare and compete with the daughter in law – for no fault of hers! Why must fun be age appropriate?

I wish I had known this earlier. In fact there are many things I wish I had known. Would have made life a little easier. Dull, yes. But easier.

Dear Younger, Stupid, Delusional Me.

It is me. Your almost 40 year old future self. I know, it’s kinda weird to hear from me and you probably are wondering why the sudden interest. No this isn’t an intervention or anything. Quite the opposite actually, I am writing to you to let you know that you’re doing just fine.

I want you to know that your mother did the best she can given her circumstances. I know you find it hard to believe it, but she will come through and surprise you ways you can only imagine.

I want you to know that the sisters you fight with physically and verbally, will be the first ones rushing to your aid to cover your back. You will live in different continents even, but always within each other’s reach.

I want you to know that what your teachers say doesn’t matter. It’s okay that they think you’re “average”, for you will have strangers come up to you and say that they love the way you write and that they think you have His blessings, you will have friends come to you telling you that they miss your writing and to never stop writing.

I want you to know that for every lonely lunch break you have spent at school, you will be compensated with friends who land up at your doorstep should they even sense sadness. They will not just accept the craziness in you, they will celebrate it!

I want you to know that the friends you finally did make in high school, the ones you discussed Santa Barbara with and visited the Sunday market with, will remain by your side as your souls sisters cheering you on the loudest.

I want you to know that it is okay to feel what you feel, to want what you want, to do exactly as you wish. Stop trying to fit in. You’re not play dough to be “molded” in a shape. For each time you have stood up for yourself, you have moved that much closer to discovering yourself. You will find your space and your voice when you’re ready.

I want you to know that when you walked out of your grand uncle’s car because he thought you were “crossing your limit”, you gathered the courage to stand up against what you felt was wrong. When you slammed the door shut on his face, you let go of the guilt and fear for judgements.

I want you to know that for every missed vacation, for every holiday that you have craved, you will be compensated with a choice to throw a dart to pick a destination to celebrate your big 4-oh.

I want you to know that you will lose a lot of people along the way, and that it will hurt. But that’s ok. For every relation you break, you will be blessed with one that is stronger than the Rock of Gibraltar.

I want you to know that for every person that judged you and thought that you were a loser, you will have one who believes that you could do no wrong, that nothing is impossible for you to achieve and that everything is within your reach. He will think the World of you.

Lastly, I want you to know that for every missed birthday celebration, every cake that you did not get to cut, every party that you never had, you will have your day in the sun. And it will be worth the wait.

I want, no check that. I need you to know that you’re doing okay. You’re fine, trust me. I am your older, more mature self. I should know all this right?

There is, however, one thing you will have to do. You will have to make me a promise – to never let go of that Door Slamming, Foot Stomping, Stubborn, Audacious, Impossible Little Girl in you. For each time she has slammed the door shut, more have opened up for her.

Age yes. Do Not Grow Up.

And Happy Birthday!
You from the future.

Ps – I also want you to know that you will have equally crazy friends who will make a tutu dress for an Adult Cake Smash on a moment’s notice and readily agree to witness and capture it. Thank you Aanchal and Monica! Everyone else can blame them for encouraging me but I adore them both for that!

The cake that looked amazing before it got smashed was by Sugaholic. I do apologize Sneha, it was a great looking one and tasted heavenly too!

So I wasn’t supposed to share this for another month (my birthday month) and Monica urged me not to as well. But after yesterday’s close call (and those who have seen the images know just how close the “call” was) the whole “kal ho na ho” comes in perspective. 

I got a lot of messages and calls and I was most touched when my friends dropped in to cheer me up. I cannot thank them enough. I realize how lucky I am – to be alive, to be loved. I escaped with just a few scratches, I am told the blessings of those who love me prevented the worst from happening. I believe that to be true.

Yesterday my life flashed in front of my eyes and I only experienced love and worry for my loved ones. That’s exactly how I want to die – with no regrets! So here it is, a full month in advance – my Birthday Blog, because Kya pata kal ho na ho?

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